Taking Chances

Much like every other Friday and Saturday night, it's 9 pm and I am contemplating putting on my pajamas and calling it a night. I have some homework to do but before I dive into it and get too tired, I wanted to write about today.

Today I felt strong. Emotionally, mentally, physically strong. It's been a very long time since I've felt that way.

Each morning when I wake up, I have to train my brain to forget the negative tapes I've played for years and focus on the positive things about myself. I have to tell myself that today is going to be a good day, I can do this. This is getting easier with time but I still have days where I struggle immensely. I hope that in time I won't have to pep talk myself out of an unhealthy mindset first thing in the morning. I know this will come if I am patient. I still have a lot to learn.

I've learned recently that when I do things that make me feel strong, like lift weights or run two miles without stopping, I begin to build confidence in myself. I recently ran two miles without stopping for the first time, a feat I never thought I would conquer but always wanted to. I recall almost six months ago barely making it around the track once. About four months ago, I wanted to learn how to dance. I stopped telling myself that I was a klutzy, awkward girl. I stopped reminding myself of all the people who'd picked on me for being 'awkward' and "ungraceful". I said, I'm going to dance because I want to dance. So I did.

It wasn't easy. I saw that the gym at the university that I work at had a Zumba class on my day off. I knew that Zumba was dancing but I didn't know what it would be like. My mind was blown when I got there and the class was very difficult. I almost gave up because I felt as though I stuck out like a sore thumb in the back row, going left while the mass of girls in the room went right., my movements rigid and stiff. I couldn't do the moves, I almost tripped twice and I could barely keep up. I stuck it out, which made me feel good. I worried that I looked like an idiot in the class for a few days and told myself that I'd never go back. However, I found myself excited about the class the next Friday. I said, "I had fun, damnit. I'm going to go and have fun again".

I kept going and going. I learned the moves and eventually felt strength as I could keep up with the others during the whole hour. My muscles no longer hurt after the hour of dancing and I started to work my hips in ways I didn't think I'd ever work them. Now, when I look in the mirror and see my body doing the things everyone else in the room is doing, I can't believe that's me I'm looking at.

Zumba has become incredibly therapeutic to me and I plan on becoming an instructor. When one of the ladies came up to me last week and said "You've got the moves!" I smiled.

Today I learned that doing things I enjoy feeds my soul. It aids in shifting those negative tapes and thoughts to positive ones. Today, when I felt myself listening to negative thoughts, I reminded myself of the things I've accomplished recently. Even something as trivial as maintaining a positive attitude and treating others with love and kindness even though I'm not feeling it can be something to celebrate.

Today is about listening to the things on repeat in our minds and challenging the ones that don't facilitate love and kindness for ourselves and others. It's about taking the time to do something you love and allowing ourselves to feel strong.